Chasing Pavements
by TheGreatFlyingKiwi
Summary: ...Kate Beckett felt truly grateful to be back to her city. Sure LA was great with its fancy hotels, fast cars and endless sunshine but New York was her home... Inner musings of Kate Beckett post LA Episode


_Written in a fangirl haze after the latest episode (3x22 To Love and Die in LA). Reviews would be lovely. I do not own Castle, ABC does, lucky bastards._

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><p>She asked the driver to drop her off a few blocks from her apartment. Her return to the twelfth hadn't been the best visit but Montgomery had let her off lightly. She knew he would. He knew why she did what she did and a few days of desk duty wasn't going to hurt anyone (unless Castle pushed her too much and then some of the stationary aimed at his head may gain some injury). Stepping out of the cab and into the gentle rain Kate Beckett felt truly grateful to be back to her city. Sure LA was great with its fancy hotels, fast cars and endless sunshine but New York was her home. She found the dull gloom of towering buildings and endless mazes of streets oddly comforting.<p>

Walking down the path she tipped her head back slightly to let the drizzle wash over her face. Yup, it was good to be home.

She didn't have to be the fearless no nonsense cop-gone-rogue here. Strapping on bikini's at a whim to lure unsuspecting criminals to her. Having everyone on her heels and not letting her do her job. No convenient precinct interruptions to stop her from falling completely into Castle's soft blue eyes.

Okay maybe the last one was debatable.

Ruggedly handsome writers aside in New York she could do her job without judgment. She didn't like admitting how much it had bothered her not having any authority in LA. Her badge was effectively useless and she was being labeled as a rebellious kid who was in way over head.

Slipping her hands into her pockets she gently traced her fingers over the folded note resting there. 'Would you be proud of me Royce?' She thought to herself. 'Proud of how I caught your killer?'

There was no doubt in her mind that Royce would've done what she'd done, jumped straight on the next plane to LA and hunted down the fugitive at all costs. But it hadn't felt like her. Montgomery was right. She was too torn up. Her emotions had been like the wind blowing her through the case. Hurling her over obstacles forcing her to do things that she would never usually do. She would never let her emotions control her like that.

"You always think with your head Becks, that is going to make you a better cop then I will ever be" she remember Royce saying to her during their years together. Well that certainly wasn't the case this week. She had been _that _close to blowing that scum of a life form's head off and was going to enjoy watch his blood drain into the lapping waves. It was only Castle's voice that had pulled her back in.

Castle.

That man. That stupid man.

Of course he had to follow her to LA. He had managed to poke his way into every other facet of her life. But she hadn't wanted him there. It was a job she had to do, it wasn't going to be nice, and it wasn't going to be pretty. Nothing like the glamorous life he wrote for her in his books.

But then some of her wanted him there. Too brighten the dark and twisty parts of her that were growing to the surface. His stupid jokes and dimwitted ideas. The way he could tear her apart and stitch her back together with his kind words and husky voice painting visions of herself as some sort of hero and goddess. A mystery he would never solve, which seemed ridiculous to her as he always seemed to be the one to look straight through her.

She had almost lost her grip in that hotel room. It would have been so easy just to lean in and let herself fall. Fall into his lazy smile and crooked gaze. Into those waiting arms that would surely hold her for as long as she needed.

But of course she closed the door and when she finally opened it she found his closed too.

They always had the worst timing.

Maybe it was better that way.

Finally reaching her apartment building she trudged up the stairs regretting leaving the light drizzle to be greeted by the stuffy heated air inside. Making her way up to her door she realized she should probably let the boyfriend know she was back.

Wait, had she actually let him know she's even left? Slipping her keys into the lock and opening the door she couldn't remember ever even mentioning her little 'vacation' to him.

She wanted to feel bad but she knew he wouldn't have noticed. There would've been patients to tend to, lives to save. Not replying to his texts wasn't atypical behavior for her so he would have never worried.

This all probably should have bothered her. What kind of relationship were they in? But that's just how they worked, or didn't work. Passion came in short spurts and then simmered for weeks on end again until the next shot. Some days she was truly humbled to have someone like him to call hers. How did she get so lucky? He was a handsome, smart, kind heart surgeon for heaven sake! Those heated moments in the night where he knew all the right places where to touch. His hands were good for more than just fixing organs. The exhilarating feeling of hurtling through the air at insane speeds on the back of a motor bike, her arms clenched around his waist. She always found it hard to believe how they never actually lifted off the concrete streets.

But the majority of the time there was quiet. Awkward moments at restaurants when they realized they didn't know each other well enough to hold a conversation that didn't involve a lack of clothes. Sitting in a lonely café booth when she realizes that he has blown her off for a patient. The haunting silence after yet another fight before he kisses on the forehead that they should get some sleep and they can talk about it in the morning.

She wanted more.

She wasn't a romantic. She didn't spend her spare time daydreaming about far off weddings and knights in shining armor. She had her own armor that could protect her from any fierce dragon or villain. She didn't need anyone to protect her.

So why was it whenever Castle looked at her as though she was made of porcelain poised to fall and shatter into a million pieces it made her feel stronger? That unspoken promise of support. Always.

'For god sakes there was no used opening that box of feelings only Castle could bring about' she thought to herself flopping onto the couch. She had made a weak attempt at unpacking and was far more content to just sit here and listening to the rain tap against the nearby window.

She should call him. The boyfriend. Let him she was home. Or not. That would mean having to explain about why she was there, about Royce, about everything. That definitely did not sound like a good idea.

She should call him. The writer. Tease him about all the souvenirs he had bought at the airport. About the stupid postcards he had bought to give Alexis when he got back (she had to admit her heartstrings had tugged a little seeing the look on his face when he saw his daughter standing in the terminal and the way they had ran up to meet each other and launch into a bear hug was adorable).

The conversation would then dip into more serious waters in which she would cover up a heartfelt thank you with various innuendos and light insults. Banter about how she was sure he was the worst person to go rogue with which actually meant you were the best actually. I couldn't have done it without you. You mean the world to me.

Maybe not the last one.

Nope, wasn't ready for that one yet.

'Well when will you be ready Katie' she thought to herself pulling out Royce's note out of her pocket.

Royce, along with everyone else seemed so convinced that the two of them needed to shack up and play happy families. But they didn't know them.

She always found it hard to describe the thing that was going on between her and Castle.

Some things were easy to explain. The shut-up-castle-and-give-me-my-coffee-before-I-kick-you-in-the-shins look she gave him on stressful mornings. The deadpan tone he would take when suggesting for about the a thousandth time that all she wanted to do was get in his pants or the raise of her eyebrow when she painted raunchier pictures in his mind that Nikki Heat could ever achieve. There was the seamless theory building and interrogation scenes when their minds seems to whirr on the same clockwork.

But when you flipped over their obnoxiously coloured tapestry there was the shades of grey that twisted and twirled gaining more attention with each passing day. The subtle touch to the small of her back as they were walking towards a particularly gruesome crime scene. That infuriating I-am-always-here-if-you-need-to-talk-or-a-shoulder-to-lean-on look he gave her that made her melt. The bashful sensation when she realized he had just tricked her into yet another 'non date' and the realization she didn't mind. Those lazy days at the precinct when she would feel an unexpected blow to the gut because he looked so damn handsome today and all she wanted to do was lean across the desk and drag him by the collar to the nearest interrogation room to re enact some of the saucier scenes in Nikki Heat.

One of her feelings that scared her the most was the one in the dead of the night was when all she wanted to do was call him and ask him to come and hold her till she fell asleep.

She didn't think she'd ever quite understand that one.

Sighing back into the cushions she let the fatigue wash over her. No phone calls tonight she decided. A nice long bath and a glass of wine sounded good to her. Then they'd be work to be done. Reports to write. A cop just couldn't go rampaging across the other side of the country without some paperwork to validate it.

Slowly things would slip back to normal. Back to the off kilter murders that she loved to solve. To being able to work side by side with Ryan and Esposito and not just bark orders at them through a phone. Back to last minute date of sitting at home eating Chinese food with the boyfriend, which would no doubt be equal to cancelled dates and ordering in for one.

She and Castle would got back to normal too. Their unspoken agreement never to talk about, _certain_, things would surely cover that night in the hotel too. Out of all of the things in her life she needed that partnership with Castle to stay stable. One day she would feel strong enough to shake the foundations and ask for more but for now what they had worked for her perfectly.

Sure she wanted more.

But more could wait.

She couldn't let those sun-filled days and sensual nights confuse her with reality. Royce's note warned her about regrets and letting the people you love slip away but she knew it wasn't the right time for any evasive maneuvers (or she was just too afraid of all that could go wrong). Nope it would be a half empty wine glass and a good book for a while yet.


End file.
